midlife crisis when the fog liftslonnie simmons obituary

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I am 31, married almost 3 years (together 9) with a new 5 month old baby. Unfortunately I was. She said that it was a form of escape and that she would end it. Just walked in and demanded a D. And a few hours later I told him he no longer had any control over me or my life b/c I was done playing games. And now during the Christmas season it is in my face as the second DDay was 12/2. I begged pleaded discussed etc. My H never complained he had no freedom. Im not saying he is cheating now. He never expected I would call the OW that night (before the D conversation) so I knew he had been cheating. Hes happy b/c he can continue to disrespect you and your M. And if he wants some fun or conversation from you he knows he will get it. He texted me today to tell me about something he has going on with work. But I would challenge him and tell him his actions dont show he really wants to be married any longer. We were fine. I have come to realize that as long as she is in the fog I cannot love her enough or do enough for her to want to save our marriage. But right now it may be too difficult to manage all these decisions. I havent heard from him today, which is upsetting because normally he would text in the morning. Im just like eye-rolling why now?, after Ive healed enough to completely see a future without him, why now? Im focused on myself and my kids and he continues to hate me and blame me for everything. Now? How screwed up is that? Or should I try to just not be around him and let him know im mad and skeptical and dont trust him and know I deserve more. We have all been in your shoes. You are tired of living in limbo. It his pattern. Last night he texted me and asked if I wanted him to pick up dinner, which was nice. They are living in cloud cuckoo land. Why would he say it now when things were so good between us? Dont be me. Cheers Linda: I also think those things are important, but I would hope that removal would actually maybe allow the person to see what their spouse meant to them. I was afraid to upset you, I was afraid to do anything that would look negatively on me, and I regret all that. Get your plan B together b/c I fear you may need it. And I wonder if your H isnt trying for the same thing. Hes trying to punish me because I made him leave, but in the long run hes also punishing them. When I finally removed myself from his game he was left with nothing. Im already seeing a lot of similarities between what he says and what is happening in our lives. Maybe bc he is out of town. If my H comes home and tells me something that I suspect is not 200% the full story, I metely look him in the eye and calmly say I am sorry you dont have the courage or respect to tell me the truth. But she knew exactly what she was doing. What is that about? Leaving you in limbo is unfair and its not a game. You can live like roommates doing exactly the same thing. I dont know where his head is right now, I dont know if hes leaning towards divorce, but I do think hes still talking to original OW and im sure she pushed that. Had he pulled this crap before the baby I probably would have told him to kick rocks, get his shit together, and get back to me when he woke the hell up and realized what a mistake he was making. In our house its almost as if hes dead because of how hes totally abandoned us. K. I am sorry he has destroyed you. Thank you for your advice Doug. Nothing to do with anything you do or do not do. He suddenly realized what an idiot he was and how screwed up he was. I cannot understand. Im not sure what Im going to do about this.. He was going to fix it. When they err not around I did but it is a living hell living in a marriage that is disintegrating and you cannot do anything. I think thats all part of it. I see something online the OW posts and I just get completely set off. But I always told him plainly that we werent. I say Im trying hard to trust him. figueroa street shooting; jeffrey friedman chiropractor; gifted child humming; how to adjust sim max driver; midlife crisis when the fog lifts. And when she told me they were s seeing each other it explained everything. Which I get bc I feel the same way. Your Plan B may need to be instituted by you. I confronted her about it as well as her lackluster effort. Our life stayed secure. Sometimes I feel like he is feeling positively towards me and then sometimes I think he really cant wait to just get out the door. And after two hours he agreed I was right. When we first separated for the most part he seemed okay, he wanted to come here every night to see the baby, but he would leave and he seemed to be fine and it killed me. Thank you both for your comments of support. I lived with that for 6 long hard painful months. In 25 years of M the D words was never used. Talk about feeling like a major sap! I feel like him bringing up divorce is whats coming next, any day now, and Im at the point where I just have to tell him thats fine and he can do it and ill go along with it. I can tell you that DDay 2 for him was a real eye opener. So I demanded the post nup. I think we can always do better. And I went along with it. Seriously?! The longer the 180 goes on the more likely it will be that you will no longer have hope of Reconciliation. Its much easier when he is apologizing and texting me and seems remorseful. I will never be able to control what he does or make him see things the way I am, his perceptions right now are absolutely screwed up. There was nothing I could say or do to change his thinking. But he will never bring himself to admit that because all his allies have validated him based on his lies, that everything is my fault. He says he felt like I controlled everything and everything we did was on my terms and I didnt respect him, etc etc. Right now is affecting my work; I cant concentrate, thinking about them. These were all text messages he sent me, and I didnt respond to any for the rest of the day. Let him try and shovel that crap now he looks back and admits he was a jerk!!! First he stayed bc I had a bad cold and he helped through the night with the baby for 2 nights. Its all an excuse for him. We were cordial, didnt say much to eachother. He said he did not want to be controlled. Just to protect yourself. He says he knows he was wrong and he wishes he had never even given in to affair, etc, but that he felt unappreciated in our marriage and wishes he had spoken up. That is when he would swear he did not want to leave. WebIt is actually very common once the affair fog lifts and they see their affair partner in everyday real life. Stronger yes, but much more guarded, almost jaded. Mine also admitted to me that he was having an EA, and cried and told me he was scared. If you want to see new boundaries like he has no social media or you have free access to his phone, he must accept that. A sober rational person would never drink and drive. And honestly, part of me is like who the hell cares. He was kicking me to the curb but when I asked him to leave he realized I was out of patience. You told him the lifestyle he wants isnt fair. Trust me I know what you are going through. Even though I know right now we are not working on our relationship, we are just kind of co-existing, it is still disrespectful of him if he is speaking to her, and it only continues to put me in a negative light because he just thinks im always around, its like I annoy him. Two steps forward and one step back as they say. My H had one. The stress and anxiety was hard to face. That is the life you would be having. Forgiveness takes a long time. I completely understand what you are going through. EMotional enough to where I would have to go into the bathroom so no one would see me cry. But its hard to be my nice carefree self when I feel like my life is on fire. For two months I acted controlled and transparent. And I admit to my flaws, but its hard to look back at those flaws when im sitting here dealing with a man who had another RELATIONSHIP during our marriage. I too feel strongly Im doing the right thing. You need to be prepared b/c you have a baby. TheFirstWife Its been a few weeks since ive written. They both state no sex but I dont believe it. I cant even BELIEVE it has been so many months of dealing with this. When I finally exploded and did not speak to him for days he finally knew I was furious and ended it. You are not going to change him. Given that you have some assets, you may want to protect them from him. Me, I would have not reacted immediately to a strange text I accidently saw. WebThe Real Roots of Midlife Crisis The Atlantic | December 2014 T HIS summer, a friend called in a state of unhappy perplexity. And the next morning im upbeat and positive and ask no questions. Or someone who has high standards or morals. but she has told me she has strong feelings for him. And my job is busy, but clearly im still constantly thinking of this. The Reality Distortion Field When in the Fog of an Affair. But it was the most defining moment b/c I took back my power and restored my self esteem. Sometimes the only thing people understand is a financial impact. One night he told me that if we divorced that I was still hot (in my 50s) and tons of guys would want to date me. as if they were single or not a parent. Prayers to you for all that you have suffered. You cannot make people wNt something. And the minute he lies and you know it you calmly tell him that you expect him to be honest with you no matter what. Dont engage in conversations you dont want to. From what I have read he is a typical cheater. He literally walked in the door and out of the blue wanted a D. No fight had occurrrd. Even if its wrong. Those are his choices. Get your plan B together now. Even if he isnt speaking to the OW, his head is still fogged FOR SURE with what he wants for his life. Hahaha so for 30 years I treated you like a king with love and respect b/c I wanted to spite my parents? He was getting out. I get the whole she my soul mate, she perfect for me, Im the happiest Ive ever been. We had a rough few years after that and I was ready to leave a few times I was so frustrated and fed up with his choices, behavior and continued lying. I could stay busy ALL the time, go be with my friends, when in reality, I want to be home with my baby. And that week he just seemed to be so distraught, texting me non stop, telling me how scared he was about everything, how hes not ready to divorce, etc. Not a bar hound who cant or wont pick up the phone and continues to disappear. But now he freely admits it but at the time he was saying yes I will call if I am late but never doing it. That they are friends. We were only talkingnothing else! He is being selfish. So sorry for you. I know I am a good wife, I know he has loved me TO DEATH until all of this, I know this OW in reality does not hold a candle to me. No fight. You are not discussing anything. For some reason he does not remember this conversation which baffles me. Then its over. At the funeral my husband did say he would not create a scene he would quietly remove any whore who showed up I simply told him I would call 911 he was NOT happy with my plan I dont really care anymore what he thinks about my choices to his cheating. At this point It seems so far, and thats crazy to me. Once I finish the book I plan to discuss a game plan with our adult children. The minute he walks out and when he will be back becomes uncertain, thats when my insides feel like theyre falling and I want to just curl up in a ball. I feel like it would have pulled him out of his affair fog real quick and made him do a reality check but now I struggle with guilt and anger at myself because it ended up going on for years and years and years afterward because I did not have the backbone to do that. The holidays come and go. Or him telling me he isnt going to stay here, even though I JUST KICKED HIM OUT. When I wanted to try and talk he refused. This sadness is TOO much. First my H proved he was being honest and transparent. I have wanted NOTHING more than to fix us and move forward and be the great couple we have always been, but he seems to be all over the place and completely blames me for the problems in our marriage that lead to his affair. But would go back to treating me horribly a few days later. I dont even know what this is, but its not what I want. I want to prove to him I can make changes on my end, but he doesnt seem to want to prove to me that I can trust him again. You will never regret standing up for yourself. There is nothing to show otherwise that anything woukd be different. It financially protects me. Whats wrong with me? She had made a regular hole in our sex schedule to accommodate him! And that started the beginning of him changing. midlife crisis when the fog lifts I just dont even know what is better, lliving in limbo or living apart. You deserve better. He never saw me with an I dont give a crap attitude towards him before. I cant live every single day not knowing where his head is and then have him come here every night like were a family. Love you but not in love and all the crap the cheater tells you. But the cheater continues to push us away. You Hs r to stop thinking like that. But you man up and be real. He sees me one way and has painted this picture in his mind, and that will not change at all until im detached enough to where he has to face that im no longer controlling him, im no longer holding him back, and somehow hes still feeling the way hes feeling. Divorce. Things outside the marriage is much more appealing to him right now than things inside the marriage, and that sucks. Marriages can be ruined by cheating. What is 'affair fog'? - USA This whole situation is so emotionally draining. So is his snide comments that you seeing another guy. I thanked him for apologizing. Get a lawyer ASAP and a financial plan B. Bestie, I agree with First Wife, but wanted to add that I think youre doing the right thing. I tell him I feel like he hates me, but he says he could never hate me. I did not over react. I refuse to e his mom and take care of him like I used to. And I just have to stick to my guns I guess, as hard as it is. He definitely has some sort of deep psychological issue ADD, ADHD or bipolarism. I dont know. It is SO BIZARRE. He wont answer questions. He wont get counseling. I acted pretty blah to him today. I dont know how, but maybe thats the case. I would of course hope that one day he will open his eyes and see this for what it is and see how much trauma he has caused, but I really doubt it. If they run backward, And he was like I wanted to be home with the baby..and I looked at him and laughed and I said but you werent..you went out. and he was like well ya but I wasnt out late! STOP focusing on what HES doing. And if youre an ex-cheater, please chime in on how you were finally able to emerge from the fog. There is no excuse for cheating and doing what he is doing. Yes it might be indeed. When I wanted to get in a relationship, I sat him down and told him that the contact had to minimize because I am moving on. I mean, there was this, and then that odd thing. All that said, I feel like my kids need the dad back that they know. Its good to know that Im not alone in this. Even when the girl came back I fought for him. his view on me became totally negative, and that started to change recently. We didnt discuss it, I think I just made it seem ok so he did. And now im alone in a way, with a baby, with a husband that isnt sure that he wants to be a husband anymore. Financial access to all accounts and documents. I have explained to him that I feel like he no longer respects me, which he says is absolutely not true, but actions speak louder than words. Or you can take some time to decide WHAT YOU WANT!! I am a lot different now and thats mainly because of how his EA changed me. When I was pregnant and this all first happened, I should have absolutely stuck to kicking him out. Not only that the cheater may not come back, but if the cheater does come back, trying to resolve all of that is difficult. Only this week, his counsellor validated my view, stating that in her opinion the OW knew exactly what was going on and was lapping up his adoration. Very few know we are having issues. The anger of the OW totally throws me off. Many of these stories are helpful. K. At the end of all of this, he can choose his own path. He has started to be gone on the weekends, where he will go out Friday night after workfor all hours of the night and then go to work all day saturday (supposedly) and then go out saturday night all night. And that was when we were actually living apart and i was trying to do the 180. Get control over your life and let him see a stronger you. So we will just keep going. Unfortunately I, like you, and everyone here knows what it is like to be blindsided by an affair. 25 years I loved him and have him the best and that is what he told me!! I wish Id done that on day 1, but the fear of losing them is so powerful, youre terrified to demand anything of them because they are already showing you that youre disposable to them, and youre terrified of giving them the final reason to boot YOU! Trying to help them. It was like pulling teeth but I hung in there. K. Im sorry you continue to go through this. I think he feels deep down that he should be doing things a certain way, but then convinces himself no, I deserve to be happy. I never mentioned it again. Dday2 was a shock but less so b/c I called OW to get answers on why my H was acting so crazy and irrational. He said a TON of stuff, as did I. BUt how the hell do you SHOW that youre moving on in life when you have a 5 month old baby that you are trying to get on a schedule and you have to be home pretty often and he sees & knows that.I feel like in this ENTIRE situation I have not been given a shot. He has completely convinced himself he is Best to you. Part of me thinks I should once and for all let this go and move on, figure out a schedule for him and the baby and move on without him, but I just cant even fathom that. But please do not allow this to go on too long. We have come a long way and he has worked hard to gain my trust back but I sure do miss the innocent trust that I once had! But it only worked b/c my H decided a few hours before that he was ending the A. I never ever reached out to him again I ignored all his calls and emails to avoid any more lies I did not inform his wife I just couldnt do it she seemed so happy with her kid and him and I just didnt know what to do I feel bad I was lies to I never ever ever would date a married man not only did he say he was divorced for years he said he hopes to find the perfect woman for him and said I hope she exists and that he had not dated in a long time But I never told him I knew something told me she would maybe believe him and he would just lie to her about who I was but my god Im so happy I searched and looked into it asap within 3 months ! He made that choice. I would have done almost anything EXCEPT allow my H to openly date the OW, wait around while he made a decision in two months or allow him to blame me for the A. That is your reward. I have no idea. He threw in the towel. I didnt even think about the possibility of her having an affair. Mark. Linda: A lot of the experts caution that even though you do come back, does the betrayed spouse want you back? I felt like I could do anything bc we just supported eachother and we had eachother no matter what. See where it goes. He started to see me again and enjoy me, and now again the last week its like nothing I do is right. In particular, shes committed to helping decrease stigma arou The fog was so thick. Youre absolutely right. My situation is a little bit different because my CS started the affair as an online thing, she is a long distance romance, he went to see her for 2 weeks where she lives, after what seems as maybe 6 months of knowing her via social media, they apparently got engaged, at least thats what she declared on her social media, and while he is still married to me. This will never work. I read things that say you have more power than you think, but I seriously feel powerless. Everyone here will tell you the BS is powerless when it comes to the M and the CS. Im struggling with finances as is, I cant rub two coins to my name. I thought we turned the corner. Yet, why arent MY feelings dwindling? You have tried everything you could. You and your wife can get past this but only if you both want it. He realized he had everything he wanted and needed and it was right in front of him his whole life. For the life of me I cannot remember where, so I cant give proper credit, but here it is anyways. He told me the standard line love you but not in love with you and all that crap that goes along with it. I can totally relate. There was a 2nd and 3rd DDAY but that was 4 yrs ago this January. Only coming up to two months knowing each other all moved super fast . I am being the exact opposite of what she is finding attractive in this other man. Surely her life was more important my jealousy. No more hateful texts. Its been very strange. You are in a tough bind. K. Im glad things have calmed down a bit for you. He chooses to go out 4-5 nights per week to the bars and hang out with people you do not even know. But God forbid he ever try to prove me wrong. No craziness. Everyday I wake up knowing I have a full day ahead of feeling pretty crappy for the most part. I felt like i had FINALLY gotten him to see the light. But the minute I pull away, he gets a little scared. Im praying time is on my side. I know im supposed to be living my life for me, but its more like im living my life TRYING to do what I think will open his eyes. I think that woke you up a little bit. Its easy to say I dont want him here, when hes here all the time. We argued once for 2 hours over an insignificant item. Wash, rinse, and repeat, and soon, they are deeply entrenched in the fog., Also a few years back, Linda and I recorded a session for the Affair Recovery Group where we addressed the affair fog. I outed his whores on their Facebook pages I had nothing to hide or lie about funny they shut down their pages as if that changed what they did or how nasty they were to me . I know I was feeling that way, even though when were together its nice, the minute he would leave I just felt crazy. Its not fair to live this way he is either in or out. He said now he know i wasnt love. A view from the other side - Various Fog stories He took advantage one time too many. Money in your own name. Let him start to see you in a different way. I redefined my role as his W. I do not back down any more. A curious and frustrating (for the BS) frame of mind the cheater goes through while in the midst of their affair. Yeah, did not like that. I see it. I know how maddening that is. I think most, if not all BSs would love to have a do-over and the chance to handle things differently. He swears he has no contact with the other woman anymore and that none of this is about her. Right now I can only go off what we discussed Sunday, which was us not working on things, separating, him looking for his own place, and supposedly not staying at home. I lose my confidence, I become so angry I cant see straight. Maybe he feels differently, but I doubt it. It always seems to start as friendship and its like if they bite, (to any kind of online sex chat thing or whatever) he would bite back. Trying to be supportive. I said to him that when he met the OW he became a bar rat bc she was a bartender and he went to her bar everyday after work, and now hes doing that same thing at home, just without her involved. Over time, they really begin to believe all the lies theyve told themselves. It kills me every, single, day. I had NO CLUE how a person could change in this way. No matter the outcome you will look back and be glad you did. But its not. I feel good about myself. I think its also the type of people he befriends. All things he may not even think about, but that I OBSESS over now bc I just want him to SEE ME again. How convenient for him. I have done so much reading and have handled this so calmly from DAY ONE, I almost regret it. Sorry and just to add, because she doesnt trust him, he is going above and beyond to prove his love for her, posting it all over his social media, that his kids can see if they paid attention.

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